Today I was discussing dreams with Merry (your brother's Home Health Nurse). She was telling me about a dream that her roommate Amy had. Merry commented that Amy and I shoudl get together one day and share some of our dreams. I started telling her about the most wonderful dream that I had about you the other day. It wasn't until after telling Merry my dream, that I realized that my dream was a true message from you.
I dreamed that I was waliking through the most beautiful, tree lines meadow. The meadow was filled with brightly colored flowers of different varieties and they smelled wonderful. As I walked I could also hear the pleasant songs from the birds, a babbling brook and the distant laughter of children. I stopped to look around and take in the wonderous sounds and sights. When I noticed a little boy, of about 18 months running toward me, calling me MaMa. I once again started walking toward the child. The young child was dressed in all white. He had red hair and blue eyes. When he reached me, the little boy placed his arms around my legs and said "I Love You MaMa!" I didn't know what to do or what to say. All I could think was "Who is this precious child?' I smiled down at the little boy. I reached down and used my hand to smooth the child's hair back from his face. A deep vioce came from somewhere that I could not determine from which direction and said "It is ok, This is your son Josiah. Pick him up and give him a hug if you wish." I did just that. I picked you up and started kissing every inch of your precious face. I held you so close, us turning in circles dancing to the sounds of nature. I kept saying to you over and over "MaMa Loves you! MaMa Loves You!" I so much wanted to stay with you, to never leave you again, to take care of you and relish in the joys of your play and laughter. But my thoughts drifted to your brother Timmy. Who would take care of him? He needs his MaMa too. At this moment my dream ended and I woke up. I felt so at peace. Somehow I knew that you had come to visit me in my dream to let me know that you are ok. It wasn't until today though, that I realized that you turned 18 months old on June 8th. the same day as my dream!
MaMa Love You Josiah!!!!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007 7:51 PM
This poem was sent to me from a friend, who was trying to ease the pain and longing that I'm feeling this holiday season. My heart and arms ache so...Missing you. Oh how I wish I couold hold you once again. Smell that sweet baby smell, sing to you, protect and care for you. And all of the first that I have missed out on: To hear you cry, to see you smile and to hear your laughter. You leaving so soon is so unfair. I just hope that you are happy up there....
My First Christmas in Heaven"
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular.
Please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or the love
He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.....
Merry Christmas Josiah! MaMa Loves You!
Saturday, December 8, 2007 11:01 PM
Happy 1st Birthday my Precious Little Boy!!!!
It seems as though everyone else, even your daddy has forsaken you, your memories and has forgotten your birthday. But MaMa remembers! I think of you every second of everyday. I would give ANYTHING to be with you on this your 1st birthday. I can only hope and try to believe that God/Jesus is having the BIGGEST Birthday Party for you. And I can only "try" to find some comfort in the following poem.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Josiah!!!!!! MaMa Loves You!!!!
Birthday In Heaven
Written by Kris Smith
I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I’m sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.
You’re wondering if I’ll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you’re missing me today
I feel your essence near.
God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He’d ordered me a special cake
(It’s Angel food, I think)
I’m getting lots of hugs from God
He’s really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat
Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud
There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet…
The magic never ends
I’ve made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel’s wings
We’ll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don’t blow out our candles here Instead, they light the skies
Friday, April 27, 2007 10:59 PM
I wrote the following poem for my husband, Floyd. His birthday is April 30th. He is upset because josiah isn't here to celebrate his birthday with him. I hope this poem brings him peace and comfort.
Daddy's Little Boy
Don't cry for me Daddy
I am right here
Although you can't see me
I see your tears
I visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillows where I lay
I hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember I am here
God took me home
This we know is true
But you will always be my Daddy
Even though I'm not with you
I am Daddy's little boy.
We will never be apart
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I Love you Daddy!
You're Baby Boy.
Thursday, April 5, 2007 8:28 PM
We learned some things today that are very frustration and heartbreaking to us.
Timmy is currently in the hospital at Duke University Medical Center. He has pneumonia yet again. GI has been consulted and a G-tube is scheduled to be placed along with a Nissen Fundoplacation procedure.
Timmy's GI Doctor, Dr. Hoener recognized the last name and aske if we had not long ago had a baby in the NICU at New Hanover Medical Center. We said yes. He asked how the baby was doing. When I started crying and Floyd answered that he passed away. The Doc was very apologetic, but asked how he faired surgery. Floyd and I both asked at the same time, What Surgery??? Dr. Hoiner went on to explain that a little past 9:00PM he was contacted to consult about our Son's condition. The Neonatologist had transmitted our Son's X-rays for him to review. The Doc said that he told the Neonatologist that our Son needed to have surgery IMMEDIATELY, due to a ruptured bowel. That he was almost 100% certain that our Son had NEC. Dr. Hoiner said that Joey's Neonatologist told him that our Pediatric General Surgeon had been called, but hadn't returned any calls as of yet. Dr. Hoiner said that he offered to scramble his flight crew to go pick up Joey and bring him to Duke, so that he could better evaluate his condition and possibly do surgery if necessary. Joey's Noenatologist REFUSED the transport offer!
This all came as a shock to us. We were NEVER given the choice fo having Joey transferred to Duke or UNC for evaluation and possible surgery. After receiving this information, looking back, was there something that could have been done to save our son? Of course, we will never know the answer to this or other questions that we may have now. And to dewell on those unanswered questions will only drive us mad and leave us forever depressed. Knowing the truth now, will not change anything or bring our Son back to us.
There is one thing that I know for sure. Timmy has the best GI Doc ever! Any Doctor who is willing to take on a child's care who has special needs is my definition of an AMAZING Doctor!
Friday, March 23, 2007 9:31 PM
Thoughts of you
I looked toward the clouds today and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just where you have gone with the hope it's a peaceful place
Did you show yourself to me today to tell me you're all right?
Or was it just a daydream
playing tricks upon my sight
Then I thought of when you left still too young to say a word.
Yet the look you gave us said it all in our hearts, your good-bye was heard
You have changed our lives forever your short time here not in vain and hope you know we tried it all to keep you safe from pain
We will always feel the void inside because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way let's us know you're always near
So until our journey nears it's end and we hear the Angels sing
We'll face each new day as it comes and live off the Love you bring.
Sunday, February 11, 2007 9:47 PM
It has been two months since you went away.
The door to my heart has closed and I feel this is the way it will stay.
They say as time goes by,
the hurt will go away.
This I'm not sure is true.
Because I miss you even more with each passing day.
My arms and heart are empty.
The tears continue to fall.
Oh how am I suppose to get through all of this alone?
**************
Special Angel in Heaven
There's a special Angel in Heaven that is a part of me.
It is not where I wanted him
but where God wanted him to be.
He was here but just a moment like a night time shooting star.
And though he is in Heaven
he isn't very far.
He touched the heart of many
like only an Angel can do.
I would've held him every minute if the end I only knew.
So I send this special message to the Heaven up above.
Please take care of my Angel
and send him all my love.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007 11:09 PM
Being a parent of a premature baby in the NICU, the thing that we fear the most is being woken up in the early morning hours to a ringing phone. This morning our fears became a reality.
At 2:26AM I was awakened to to a ringing phone. Upon opening my eyes and glancing at the alarm clock, while proceeding to answer the phone, my heart and my stomach immediately entered my throat. I knew that the odds of the person on the other end of the line being a family member, friend or the wrong number, at this early hour of the morning, was very slim.
When I answered the Neonatologist on call informed me that Josiah had taken a turn for the worst and that we needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I told him that we would get there as soon as we could. I woke Floyd and we quickly weighed our options. Would one of us just go while the other stayed home with Timmy and Emily? I felt that being this was an early morning call that we both really needed to go. So we both started calling family and friends to try to wake someone to come watch Timmy and Emily so that we could both head to the hospital. Thank Goodness Julie and Joe are night owls and answered their cell phones. Julie came to watch the kids so that both Floyd and I could go to be with Josiah.
Upon arriving at the hospital, we were informed that Josiah had to be placed back onto the ventilator. That he had coded several times and that the medications that were being used, he wasn't responding to. That our Pediatric Surgeon had been call and had arrived 30 minutes before we had gotten to the hospital. The surgeon was in with Josiah assessing him for a possible ruptured bowel. Things didn't look good for Josiah at all...
The Neonatologist returned to the NICU. A few minutes later both the Neonatologist and the Pediatric Surgeon both returned to the Family Waiting Area, where we were instructed to sit and wait for updates. They wouldn't let us into the NICU to be with Josiah. With the situation at hand, Thank Goodness there wasn't any other families in the Family Waiting Area.
We were informed that Josiah's bowel had ruptured and that there was nothing further that could be done to save him. In another words, this was the Pediatric Surgeons way of saying, with your son's medical history, I REFUSE TO ATTEMPT TO OPERATE ON HIM!
So Floyd and I had to make a decision that NO parent should ever have to make. The decision to let Josiah go on to be with Jesus in Heaven.
The Neonatologist returned to the NICU, gave Josiah some pain medication to help make him comfortable, removed him from the ventilator and brought Josiah to us. We held Josiah for only a short while before it was obvious that he had passed away while nestled in our loving arms. Josiah's care nurse for that night came into the Family Waiting Area and took some pictures of us with Josiah. She helped to set things up in the NICU, so that we could wash Josiah up and dress him. The nurse helped to obtain a clipping of Josiah's hair and his footprints for a keepsake.
I just wish I had known ALL of the facts that lead up to this moment. Our decision may have been different.
I also wish that the NICU staff would have taken into consideration our privacy during such an emotional difficult time and that they would have asked the other parent who were visiting with their babies in the NICU to leave or at least that they would have found us a private room so that we could have spent our final moments with Josiah ALONE!
************************************************
Little Angels
When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to his fold,
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye."
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.
Monday, January 8, 2007 11:56 PM
We just returned home from visiting with Joey in the NICU. He isn't doing very well, but the Nurse Practitioner assures us that there isn't anything to worry about. She feels that Joey only has some type of infection somewhere. Joey's care nurse has drawn blood to sned for culturing and to obtain some lab values. We should have these results back by morning. When I changed his diaper tonight he had had another bloody stool. His temp was also slightly elevated. He just looked so uncomfortable. I opted to let him rest instead of having our cuddle time like we usually do at bedtime when we come to visit. I really didn't want to leave him tonight, but Timmy's Home Health Nurse leaves at 11:00PM and Grandma Gaeth doesn't feel comfortable at her age looking after both Timmy and Emily alone. I can understand this.
Earlier this evening around 6:00PM'ish one of the Nurse Practitioners from the NICU called to inform us that Joey wasn't doing well. She stated that she suspected some type of infection and blood work and an X-Ray of Joey's abdomen had been ordered. She also informed me that she had started Joey on 2 broad spectrum antibotics, which should cover any suspected infection. She reported to me that Joey's care nurse around mid morning had informed them that joey had had several bloody stools. I asked why this wasn't addressed sooner? She stated that she didn't know. I asked her to give me a call IMMEDIATELY once the results to the X-ray came back. And she said that she would. I told the Nurse Practitioner that we would be up to visit with Joey around 7:00PM'ish, but to call me before if she had any results to come back.
As we were leaving to go visit with Joey, my cell phone rang. It was the Nurse Practitioner from the NICU calling me. When I answered, she stated that Joey's white blood cell count was slightly elevated, which "could" indicate a possible infection and it "could" also be due to stress. She reported that Joey's abdomenal X-ray looked good with no free air found. This was good news for us as well as Joey.
When we arrived at the NICU, we asked to speak with one of the Neonatologist or the Nurse Practitioner. We were informed that they all had gone down to attend a C-Section delivery and no one was sure how long it would take. Unfortunately, we had to leave without speaking with a Doctor or a Nurse in Charge.
Joey's care nurse did tell us that Joey's feedings had been withheld and that he had been switched from breastmilk to formula that morning, in hopes of promoting better weight gain. She hadn't weighted him yet and her intentions are to do so later tonight.
Please pray that this isn't anything serious. That if it is an infection that it clears up quickly.
Saturday, December 30, 2006 10:32 AM
You continue to be doing extremely well. The BIGGEST issue at this time is that you aren't gaining any weight. As of late last night you weigh 1lb 8oz, which is 2oz less than you did at birth. Your feedings have increased to 16cc of breast milk every 3 hours. The Docs have even started to fortify our feedings, without any success in weight gain.
You are still on nasal cannula requiring 2 liters of pressure and 21-30% oxygen. Your care nurse reported that after your feeding you had a bit of spit up. This bothered me a great deal. I asked to speak with the Nurse Practitioner or one of the Neonatologists, but of course they were unavailable. Your care nurse assured me that for a preemie having some spit up following a feeding IS normal. I'm concerned because No other nurse has mentioned this before and you have been getting feedngs now for 2 weeks.
The Docs have recently switched you from an insulin drip to insulin injections to try to better control your diabetes. With the insulin drip you were having wild swings in your blood glucose levels. Hopefully with the injections they can get a better grip on things. I hate to see you have to go through so many injections a day, but if it helps, I guess in the long run it will be worth it. The only comforting thing is that I know that in most cases the injections don't hurt and can't even be felt when give. I promise you, that once we get you home, you will be placed into the care of the World's BEST Endocrinologist and if he thinks that you will benefit from being placed on an insulin pump, what he says is the word. This will mean no more shots!
Until then, stay strong Mama's little fighter!
(((Hugs))) Mama Loves You!!!!
Monday, December 25, 2006 10:22 PM
Merry Christmas Josiah!!!!
What a wonderful Christmas it has been. Just having you here with us was the BEST Christmas gift that I could have been given.
Today you were transferred from your isolette with humidity to an isolette without humidity. Do you know what this means??? It means that you are able to maintain your body temperature. AND that now we can start dressing you in cute boy clothes and bring toys to put into your isolette with you! How fun is that??? We brought you up one of your Christmas gifts, a womb sounds bear, which you seemed to really enjoy. When we left you, I made sure that it was left on so that you could enjoy it while you slept.
Both Dad and I got to hold you today for a short while. Oh I really enjoy our time spent together. If it could only last forever, without a care in this world for either of us!
Love You Baby Boy!!!!
Friday, December 15, 2006 10:00 PM
A lot of WONDERFUL news to post about tonight.
Josiah's Bililight was turned off. His liver function numbers look great. So no more Jaundice. YAY!
Josiah was taken off C-PAP and placed on nasal cannula late this afternoon. He is requiring 2 liters pressure with no oxygen needed at this time. As of when we left this evening Josiah was resting comfortably. Josiah and Dad Dad spent some much needed and deserved quality time together, with Dad holding Josiah for the first time since his birth.
Josiah's feedings were started this morning. He receives 2cc of breast milk every 4 hours. We have yet to confirm with a Neonatologist IF a follow up X-ray was preformed to check for free air BEFORE the feedings were started. Durning our visits today and every time one of us placed a call to the NICU, the Nurse Practitioner and the Neonatologist we unavailable. We questioned your care nurse about the X-ray, but she wasn't sure. We can only hope that an X-ray was peformed.
(((Hugs))) and XXXX Baby boy!!!!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:44 PM
Today was one of the BEST days of my life! I got to hold your tiny little body close to my chest for a short while! The words to express the feeling just won't come. That sweet baby smell, your soft warm downy skin against mine, your tiny body cuddled so close. For just a few moments, I felt like the world had stopped and that our existance in the NICU was no longer a reality. That just for a brief moment it was just YOU and Mama. No one or NOTHING else mattered. I whispered to you about how much I Love You, how much your exisitane has changed my life. And I sang softly to you. You laid so still and appeared to be so comfortable lying there against my chest. Enjoying every spoken word.
I guess Santa really thought that Mama had been an extremely good girl this year, because my one and only Christmas wish was to be able to hold you.
What a WONDERFUL wish come true!!!!
Remember Mama Loves You!!!!!
Saturday, December 9, 2006 6:46 AM
The Nurse Practitioner from the NICU just left my room. She came to give me an update on Josiah. Overnight Josiah did better than anyone had expected him to do. It seems that he did so well that later this morning they will be taking him off of the ventilator and placing him on C-PAP! YAAAY!!!! They will be doing more blood test to check his labs. And an X-ray of his head has been ordered to check for a brain bleed. And an X-ray of his abdomen has been ordered to check for free air in his abdomen.
When Floyd arrives within the hour, we are going up to visit with out little man for awhile.
Hopefully things will continue to improve for Josiah.....
I wasn't able to get down to see him last night. This broke my heart something terrible. But they Pediatric Surgeon was having to do an emergency procedure in the NICU at a baby's bedside. So I can understnad why parents aren't allowed into the NICU at times like that.
Friday, December 8, 2006 6:02 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Josiah Michael G.
BORN: Jan. 8th 2006
TIME: 3:11PM
WEIGHT: 1lb 10oz
LENGTH: 14in.
Thank goodness this site will let one choose the date of entry. At least this way, I am able to post this most IMPORTANT message on its correct date.
Earlier today Floyd brought another large laundry basket of gifts for me to help wrap. Even though I'm stuck here in the hospital, he felt that this would be a good gesture, so that I would feel like I was helping out an taking part in a least part of the Holiday festivities.
I love wrapping Christmas gifts. Well, to be honest, I like playing with the gift before it gets wrapped, if the gift should happen to be a child's toy. What can I say, I'm still a child at heart.
We finished wrapping the gifts about 2:00ish. Floyd decided that it best that he head home so that he could do some cleaning. After he left I headed to the bathroom. On my way into the bathroom a lady from Diatary/Nutrition came in to visit. I asked her nicely to please wait a sec. I did my business. And upon my start to exit the bathroom, I felt something strange "dow below." I reached down to discover that I had a prolapsed cord!! I SCREAMED at the nice lady to go get HELP NOW, as I burst out of the bathroom and proceeded to lay down onto the bed.
I frantically search for my cell phone, in hopes of catching Floyd before he left the hospital grounds. I got him on the phone as 3 nurses, a Doctor and a few other people rushed into the room. One nurse jumped onto the bed and proceeded to try to push the umbiblical cord back inside me, while another asked me questions and prepared the bed for transport to the ER. I have NEVER seen a group of Nurses and Doctors work so fast and in almost a panic before!
Upon arriving in the ER, I had 1 nurse cutting off my gown (than goodness I hadn't been wearing my favorite sweatshirt instead!). I had another nurse starting an IV. I had an anesthesiaologist putting oxygen on me and starting to administer anesthesia. I had my OB preforming an ultrasound to check the baby. I had yet another Doctor and Nurse prepping my abdomen in preparation of starting my C-Section. There was so much hustle and bustle, I soon lost track of what all was going on. All I knew was I was FREEZING and I HAD to get to sleep fast so that they all could begin to save my baby.
Within an hour from the moment I discovered the prolapsed cord to delivery of Josiah was all in about an hour.
The neonatologist had to resecutate him before intubating him and placing him on a ventilator. I actually haven't had a chance to go visit with him yet, due to the fact I can't get out of bed because of the C-Section. The neonatologist and a Nurse Practitioner have been up to see me. They don't believe Josiah is going to make it through the night, due to the fact that his blood is very acidic from lack of oxygen. He electrolytes are off. And he is requiring a blood transfusion.
I have FAITH that my little man IS a FIGHTER! He WILL make it through. God will take care of him. God has brought him this far and kept him safe for almost 3 weeks inside me without any amniotic fluid.
All I, and I ask you all to join me, can do is PRAY!
Monday, December 4, 2006 3:07 PM
I had the echocardiogram today. The baby's heart looks structurely fine. The heartbeat was nice and strong. Dr. Cotton, the Cardiologist from UNC, who came to preform the echocardiogram, stated that at this stage in pregnancy, it is very hard to see everything with the baby's heart, because of the heart being so very small. At 23 weeks gestation a baby's heart is only the size of a dime. Yes, you read that correctly, a dime, $0.10! Wow, it is hard for me to even try to imagine something sooo small being fully developed and fully functional! Dr. Cotton suggested another follow up echocardiogram after the baby is born. This way the heart can be more clearly viewed and the baby will be much larger, just to rule out any problems. But he didn't suspect that there would be.
Getting this good news was surely a bright spot in our day. Especially being that most of our days are filled with stress, worry and dread for the unknown.
I spend the majority of my day crochetting a baby blanket for my little guy. It isn't turning out quite right. I'm not sure why. I guess somewhere I skipped a stitch or something. I just can't figure it out. I have thought several time about just taking it all out and starting over. But I can't bring myself to do that. I have this overwhelming need to keep trudging forward no matter.
My nights are spent reading or watching the Christmas Specials that air every year around this time. This is the first year in which I have actually been able to sit down and watch all of them without missing any part or all of a particular show. I just hate that I had to come by the opportunity to do this by sitting here in the hospital trying to keep my baby inside of me for as long as I can. I would have much rather have been able to watch these Christmas Specials with the family. Maybe next year, with the addition of one more, we all can enjoy the joy and spirit of the Christmas season by watching the Christmas Specials together.
Friday, December 1, 2006 9:46 PM
My grandson Jeremiah was born yesterday. A very healthy and cute boy!
I too, along with my daughter (Tamarah) am sitting in the hospital. Why am I in the hospital? On Thanksgiving Evening, my amniotic fluid sack ruptured. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was only 22 weeks pregnant, on Thanksgiving Day. Jokingly my daughter and I professed that neither of us were to end up in the hospital, on Thanksgiving, because we both wanted to be able to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with the family. When my dad (PaPa) cooks, Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner no one wants to miss out. It is so yummy!
The Doctors are unsure as to what caused my amniotic fluid sack to rupture. Infection? Stress? Genetic cause? Whatever the reason, I was given a round of strong antibotics to ward off any possible infection. My white blood cell count was slightly elevated, but without a baseline number, this pointing to a true infection, is not a sure thing.
The doctors ordered an ultrasound to check on the baby. My amniotic fluid level is still very low and all of the previously seen abnormalities are still present. I/We are hopeful that I am able to hold on to this little guy for quite a few more weeks. If I were to deliver right now his chances of survival are very slim.
My Doctors have offered to have me transferred to Duke University Medical Center. I have decided to wait til I'm further along. I hope that I have made the right decision. I feel that me being near my family and having the doctors who know my situation best take care of me and this little one, for now is what is in our best interest.
I'm having some pinkish discharge. The Doctors and Nurses are telling me that this 'could" be due to the baby moving and irritating the lining of the uterus? I have also been having what I can only describe as "needle stick" type sensations in my vagina. They don't feel like any contractions that I have experienced with any of my other deliveries. The Doctors don't know what is causing these sensations or if they do they aren't telling me of their thoughts, trying not to worry or stress me.
The baby's heartrate gets checked twice a day, once per shift. So far it has been good. And he is still playing/moving, this too is good. My blood glucose levels are slowly creeping up, even though I'm eating what I consider to be very healthy foods, salads, veggies, meats and skipping deserts and other sweet or high carb foods. My Doctors have increased my Glyburide dose and added a sliding scale insulin injection coverage for high blood glucose levels before meals.
I'll try to keep this better updated, now that I have Floyd's laptop here at the hospital with me. There is an echocardiogram scheduled in a couple of days, so I'll update afterwards.
Stay put little guy. MaMa loves you!
Sunday, November 5, 2006 9:03 PM
After much thought, sleepless nights, and crying, I have decided to continue with the pregnancy. How could I "kill' one of my own baby's? What makes this baby less worthy of living, than his brother Timmy? Can I honesty not find the strength, time, attention and loving devotion that this baby will need to have its needs met? After asking myself these and other questions and praying to GOD asking him for his guidance, I'm ashamed of myself for even "thinking or considering" the thought of terminating this pregnancy. There is no way that I could look at myself in the mirror if I terminate this pregnancy. This baby was created out of love. He is innocient. And deserves everything that I can offer him. His change at life is no less worthy than any other babies. I will do whatever it takes to provide for his needs, just as I do his brother and all of my other children. GOD will make all things possible.
Friday, October 27, 2006 8:04 PM
My OB/GYN ordered another ultrasound today, to confirm the findings from the ultrasound on October 9th and to check on the baby.
This ultrasound was so emotionally draining. Even though I knew in my heart that the findings would be the same, I was so hoping that things had somehow changed for the better for my precious little boy.
It is a comfort though to be able to see my little guy on ultrasound. This is reassuring to me that he is somehow going to be ok. That no matter how complex his medical condition, he IS going to fight and beat the odds.
I'm thankful that I have the same Parinatologist, OB/GYN's and ultrasound Tech with this pregnancy that oversaw my care with Timmy. They all have been so caring, supportive and understanding. I couldn't have asked for a better team of Docs and Tech to care for me!
The option of terminating the pregnancy was brought up once again today. I told my Parinatologies that we have decided to see this pregnancy through to the end as well. And that we wanted all measures necessary taken to make sure that our little guy has a fighting chance at life. She informed me that I still had 1 week to change my mind, before the time limit in our state for late term abortions was up. I told her that I would keep that in mind and let her know if I had a change of heart. She was very comforting, caring and understanding about the entire situation. The Parinatologist explained all of my options. And went over in great detail exactly what we were looking at from a medical stand point with our precious little boy.
Why can't ALL Doctors be this caring, understand, and dedicated to their patients??? If they were, the world of medical professions would be a much better place!
Monday, October 9, 2006 8:41 PM
Where to start....
The only good news that we received today is that the baby is a BOY!!!
At my ultrasound appointment today, our world was turned upside down. We received the devastating news that this baby also has HPE. The baby's brain is a mirror image of that of his older brother's. The tech is sure that the baby doesn't have any eyes as well. His other organs look good though, this is a plus and my amniotic fluid level is good.
We spoke with a genetic counselor. The option of terminating the pregnancy was posed. I'm so heartbroken. I'm against abortions, but I also have to consider what kind of life this baby will have. And "if' we as his parents will be able to provide the things that he needs. There will be numerous doctor visits, extended hospitalizations, and therapies. How will we be able to manage the care of two complex medically special needs children? I'm a strong person. But right now I feel so overwhelmed.
We also discussed further testing (amniocentesis or CVI). I refused any further testing. Whatever my decision, it won't change anything. I also feel that the amniocentesis that I had while pregnant with Timmy, was the cause of my losing all of my amniotic fluid and thus this caused the poor blood exchange between me and Timmy, resulting in him having IUGR.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006 10:55 PM
Not much really to report from today's OB visit. I have gained only 2lbs so far. The Doc has decided to keep my meds the same for another 2 weeks. The baby's heart rate was 150ish. I have my level 2 ultrasound scheduled for Oct. 10th at 1:00pm. My next OB appointment is Oct. 12th.
Tuesday, September 5, 2006 10:20 PM
I had my 2nd OB appointment today. I haven't gained any weight. We got to hear the baby's heart beat with the fetal doppler. The heart rate was 150's-160's bpm. A very good healthy rate. My blood glucose levels have been a bit elevated especially after breakfast, so the Doc has started me on Glyburide 2mg 1x daily before breakfast. Hopefully this will work or if not I will have to start taking the insulin injection. I definately don't want that! So I guess I have to try to figure out which food is making my blood glucose levels high after breakfast being that I have been eating healthy. Next appointment is in 2 weeks for a blood glucose monitoring check-up. Will increase the glyburide or start insulin injections then if necessary.
Monday, August 14, 2006 10:14 PM
I had my 1st OB appointment today. I weighed 145lbs and my blood pressure was 86/74 low but normal for me. The Doc did a pelvic exam and said that everything looked good so far. It was too early to hear the baby's heart beat with the fetal doppler. She ordered the standard blood work and has me monitoring my blood glucose levels, being that with 5 previous pregnancies I had gestational diabetes. I dread all of the finger pricks, but I know that it is for the best. My next appointment is in 1 month.
Friday, August 4, 2006 8:53 PM
I had my very first ultrasound today, to confirm the pregnancy and to make sure that the little bean is in the uterus. Everything looks good so far. The baby's heart rate was 152 bpm. I'm about 6 1/2 weeks pregnant.
Sunday, July 16, 2006 8:23 PM
I awoke this morning and realized that I hadn't had my period in quite awhile. I took a HPT...SURPRISE! SURPRISE! It was positive! So much for me using the Family Awareness Method to "try" from getting pregnant. It seems to only work to help me GET pregnant!
When I told Floyd that I was pregnat yet again, he was just as happy as I was, but we are both scared and concerned that this baby "could" have HPE. We have been told by a genetic counselor that the chances of us having another baby with HPE is slim to none. We won't be able to relax and breathe a sigh of relief until we have our level 2 ultrasound. And that is still a long way off.
We have been invited to my daughter's stepson's 5th birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese this morning. Now my job is to keep Floyd quiet until we are sure eveything is ok with this pregnancy. He has a tendancy to like to share good news right away.
